|chibirisuchan (chibirisuchan) wrote,|
@ 2008-07-28 17:13:00
Zack looked back and forth between them, sighed loudly, and unstrapped the fastenings of Cloud's overfull backpack to dig the plates out for himself. "You're both hopeless, you know. I swear I'm going to teach you two how to party if it kills someone..."
"If you smear your flaming chocolate-covered thermonuclear summoning device all over my reports, Lieutenant, I assure you there will be a more than sufficient quantity of blood on the floor to suit that definition."
Zack ambled around his desk and pushed both him and his chair away from the keyboard, flexing his fingers like a maestro before he took over Sephiroth's workstation. "Let's see here. Too many damn meetings. Okay, I'll fix that -- you are now--" and Zack highlighted the next ten hours of his schedule and typed in an override -- "investigating urgent rumors of impending terrorist activity. There." He punched the enter key and turned around and sat on the edge of the desk with a grin. "Give me your key card."
"He's serious about that cherry pie filling, boss, I wouldn't push it if I were you."
"Zack. 'Impending terrorist activity?'"
"Kidnapping the head of the Shinra military sure as hell counts as impending terrorist activity in my book," Zack said, grinning from ear to ear, and Reno flashed a thumbs-up sign at him. "I need your key card, Sephiroth, seriously."
"Because my girlfriend is waiting at the Sector Five railway station with a picnic basket with hot sandwiches and apple dumplings and a blueberry pie that just came straight out of the oven, and she's holding it hostage," Zack said, with great earnestness. "She'll start eating it by herself if we don't get there in time to stop her. You can't have a crime like that on your conscience, boss, we're supposed to be the good guys. So I need your key card. Just for ten minutes, I swear. Red's fast."
"...Your girlfriend's possession of a picnic basket means you need my key card."
"No, my girlfriend holding our lunch hostage until we arrive to rescue it means I need your key card. Because your key card is going to get Red here into the 68th floor conference room long enough to hose it down with pie makings, since nobody in hell is insane enough to think you would pull a prank like that. Which means the Veep's scheduled chain of conferences is going to get derailed when security swarms the place, since they won't know who did it because I'm about to loop the cameras from your workstation via a mainframe out in Junon. So since Rufus won't be able to get near the room for at least six hours, nobody's going to miss you at all those meetings that aren't going to be held, which means we're clear to go liberate our lunch from my girlfriend the terrorist. And it means Rufus won't be done with his meetings by end-of-business, which means he won't be taking Rude with him when he takes a security squad to Costa del Sol, which means Red can get Rude to take him out drinking tonight! So that's why I need your key card," Zack finished triumphantly.
A world without Zack's bright, charming, courageous smile in it was unfit to exist. For taking Zack's smile, he would see the entire Wutain nation burn before he left the filthy dregs of the planet behind him.
Shinra's war was Shinra's business, but this was personal.
"But the nice lady got him pregnant in his head, not between his legs," Loz said, a little desperate. "And she didn't talk about eggs, did she, Kadaj?"
Briefly, fervently, Yazoo wished that he'd ever encountered a substance that was capable of producing a state of intoxication despite the resistance of his inhuman metabolism.
The mushroom-shaped Heartless standing in a ring around the girl's campfire were, in fact, grooving.
Also, he could have done without the sight of a cluster of mushrooms performing synchronized pelvic thrusts.
...And people thought that he was disturbing.
Sephiroth left before the lot of them could decide that some sort of fungal orgy was the next step on the path to mycelic enlightenment.