|chibirisuchan (chibirisuchan) wrote,|
@ 2005-07-13 20:44:00
Side Effects, chapter 5
Looking back on it later, Iruka thought he'd been fairly
discreet. He transformed himself with sexy-no-jutsu just in case the seamstress
was particularly insistent on taking, ahem, delicate measurements; he
put a scarf over his hair to try to disguise the fact that it was their
spiky-ponytailed new schoolteacher sneaking around the market looking
surreptitious with a bag of wadded-up dresses; and the seamstress he found
didn't have the same family name as any of his students. She was also a
harmless-looking grandmotherly type with eyeglasses. He hoped she was
nearsighted enough from all the years of sewing not to take too close a look at
his face, sexy-no-jutsu or not.
His voice cracked noticeably higher than usual, even
considering the effects of the jutsu. "Er... I was wondering... how much
would it cost to have these... changed a little?"
"Changed, dearie?" The grandmother lifted a couple
of the dresses out of the bag, and looked him-her up and down. "Changed
"In the... er... stomach. For... for some... um...
Iruka buried his face in both hands, completely humiliated
by the volumes of sudden-comprehension-and-gleeful-delight loaded into that one
syllable. The grandmother reached up and patted his hands gently.
"We can make these work for a while; if we cut them a
little shorter, we can put panels in the sides, so that there's more room for
your development. But sooner or later you're going to need some different
dresses; you're a tall girl, but you're so slender there's just nowhere to grow
but out, if you see what I mean. So we'll have to find you some other things,
especially for later on... you can't be very far along yet; I'm sure it'll be
winter before your time comes, so something soft and warm, and let me see, what
colors would go nicely with your complexion?"
"Not pink," Iruka said, half strangled.
The grandmother dimpled at him quite unfairly. "You're
sure? You're so cute when you blush like that, sweetie. --All right, all right,
I'll stop teasing you. Just sit right here and rest yourself and I'll be right
About an hour later, Iruka left with an empty bag, a promise
to return for the altered dresses the following weekend, and trembling knees.
I did NOT need to know that. I did NOT need
to know that her granddaughter was in labor for six days with her firstborn. I
did NOT need to know how to diagnose ailments from the color of the
slime a baby is excreting from various orifices. I did NOT need to
He stumbled home, dropped the empty bag on the floor, and
went to dump a bucket of water on Kakashi's head to get him to stop taking up
space on the kitchen floor. Then he dragged himself upstairs, curled up under
the blankets, and didn't come back out.
And he thought he'd been discreet. He'd only asked
the one seamstress. But the next day, all of his students' mothers
showed up with ear-to-ear grins, maternity clothing, and an unbelievably
assorted array of baby supplies.
Since there was obviously going to be no actual education
happening while the mothers threw their new schoolteacher the surprise baby
shower from hell, Iruka chased Kakashi into keeping the children out of harm's
way in the yard while their mothers oohed and aahed and fussed and scared the
living wits out of him with stories about ninety-six hours of labor followed by
When the clamoring mob of mothers decided that their damage
had been done and reclaimed their offspring to head home, Iruka sat straight
down on the floor in the middle of a pile of party wreckage that looked like it
had come straight out of a war zone. When Kakashi wandered back inside, he
found his lover laughing hysterically at a piece of orchid ribbon.
"At least... at least... it's not... pink or blue...! I
swear... half of them are going to kill me if I have the wrong type of baby for
their gift... so I think I'm dead both ways...!"
Kakashi decided the only sensible thing to do at this point
was to order takeout ramen for dinner, take Iruka upstairs, and ravish him
until he collapsed from exhaustion so that unconsciousness spared him the
trauma of the flashbacks to the baby shower.
Afterwards, however, Kakashi climbed out onto the rooftop to
do some industrial-sized worrying.
Three months. We've been here three months and there
hasn't been so much as a suspiciously twitching blade of grass. No hunters, no
shadows, no nothing. Too much nothing. And now Iruka's like this, which is more
than half my fault since I'm damned sure he never thought it might be a possible
side effect from that fox-tailed brat's sexy-no-jutsu. Neither did I, but then
I wasn't the one who might have to suffer the consequenses, so it was damn well
my responsibility to think about it and it never even crossed my mind. So this
is my fault, and there's no way in hell I'm letting him near a fight. But we
were sent out here all but blind. How can I protect him when I have no idea
what it is we're up against?
The Hokage just said to be prepared. That's not too
bloody useful, now is it.
...And we've screwed that up already; no way in hell were
either of us prepared for this...
Me. A father. What the hell? I mean, Iruka was
practically born to be part of somebody's parents, but still, I'll bet he was
thinking a lot more along the lines of daddy than mommy. And me... I'm the
grinning bastard of an uncle who makes his nephews' lives a living misery. I'm
the one who gives them back to somebody else at the end of the day and says
"okay, you lucky parents, you get to deal with this noise or this stench
or this noxious substance they're exuding."
Get them old enough to have personalities and
conversations and I'm fine, but some squirming helpless little thing that looks
like a plucked chicken and screams bloody murder to say everything from 'food'
to 'pick me up' to 'looky, I shat myself again'... what the hell am I doing...?
He heard the window slide open, and Iruka's voice floated
quietly from inside. "Kakashi...?"
"Right here," Kakashi replied,
sliding down the roof and grabbing the edge to swing himself back in through
the window. Iruka was looking at him with enormous dark eyes, pupils dilated by
the dim moonlight, his face a pale blur framed by clouds of rumpled dark hair;
he looked cold, tinged by the frigid moon-blue half-light, and Kakashi
immediately gathered him into his arms to try to warm him.
Iruka was warmer than he looked, of course, but still he
settled his head against Kakashi's shoulder with a small grateful sigh.
"You're not... upset... are you...?"
"Me? About what?"
"I... I should have... thought. I mean, I don't know
why I didn't think... well, no, I take that back. I do know why I didn't think
-- I mean -- I just... didn't think about changing back and forth, rearranging
things like that, and... for heaven's sake, I was born male, it never occurred
to me that I might get pregnant, but still... it's the woman's
responsibility, because it's the woman's body, and--"
"Like hell is
it just the woman's responsibility," Kakashi growled. "It takes two
to tango, you moron."
Iruka sighed a
little. "You still haven't answered me."
"What was the
um... angry...? Because I'm even more useless now than I was when we started
this, and it'll only get worse, and it's not fair to expect you to have to
defend us both; I should have been your partner, not a dead weight holding you
The best way to
deal with bursts of irrationality like this, Kakashi decided, was to cut them
off at the source. So he locked their lips together for a good long time, until
Iruka stopped squeaking and struggling and just kissed him back.
the question?" Kakashi asked, grinning.
"I... I think
so... but I'd still rather hear you say it..."
"I'm not angry
with you." Kakashi bent forward to touch their foreheads together, so that
he could smile directly into Iruka's eyes. "I love you. I'm scared
shitless, I never in a million years would have expected this, but I could
never be angry with you because of it -- and the first damn thing we're
doing the minute we get back is telling Naruto never to have sex in his life, because either way, the thought of his offspring running
around making some other pathetic unsuspecting victim of a teacher live through
twelve to eighteen years of that walking nightmare is just too horrifying to
Iruka was trembling
in his arms; after a minute, Kakashi realized it was laughter he was biting his
lip hard to try to suppress. "He's not that bad...!"
"Easy for you to say," Kakashi retorted.
"It's been a couple years since you had to deal with him. I'm sure
trauma-induced memory blocks are taking their toll on your recollections."
Iruka was still too damn perceptive, even when
Kakashi was doing his best to distract him. He pushed his bangs back from his
face and said, "You said that you're not angry with me; are you angry with
Hell yes. "Come on back to bed. You need your
beauty sleep. And even if you don't, I do."
...damn his eyes. "No one's ever done this
before," he said, a little hoarse. "Nobody knows what it could do to
you. I'm pissed as hell that I was so busy thinking with my groin that I didn't
even stop to think that you might... --never mind. But if anything goes
wrong, I swear, I'll give my life if it'll let me save you. Because this is my
He decided it was time for a little more kissing therapy.
"Come on, lovebird," he murmured. "Trust me on this, at least.
You're going to need some sleep. Because tomorrow you're going to be
faced with two dozen bright-eyed little innocents who want to know allll about how their schoolteacher's making a baby."
Iruka said a word Kakashi hadn't realized he even knew. It
was followed by several more, and starting to build into an impressive litany
of profanity, obscenity, and general paint-peeling vitriol. But Iruka didn't
resist when Kakashi led him over to the bed and eased him softly down onto the
"You're going to regret not being a carpenter when you
had a chance. Because your complete and total unemployment means there's no
earthly reason you can't be there to help me figure out how to explain
this to them."
Kakashi grinned lazily into the darkness. "What a good
idea. I've got ten years of back issues of Icha Icha Paradise in the closet,
I'm sure I can find all kinds of helpful and informative
"...Damn you. Damn you to hell. Never mind; I'll
figure it out myself!"
"There's my wise love." Kakashi brushed a kiss
against the crown of Iruka's head, still grinning. It was good to know he
hadn't completely lost the art of conveniently-timed distraction.